4/02/2008

John Cleese settles U.S. election

This came from a friend who got it from a friend, Syd, who got it from a friend “whom I must describe as now a senile Ozark hillbilly,” who got it from a friend “who is an Englishman living in Canada.”

I didn’t check snopes.com to see if John Cleese, now retired from films, really is the author, because I like mentioning him. “Monty Python,” “A Fish Called Wanda” and all those brilliantly crafted “Fawlty Towers” episodes (“Basil!”) merit his mention. Enjoy!

Britain Repossessing the USA: A Message from John Cleese.

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to acknowledge officially the incompetence and arrogance of George W. “Dubya” Bush and the evil heart of Dick “Darth Vader” Cheney, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Texas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then, look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as “favour,” “colour” and “neighbour.” Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters. And, the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”).

3. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, now “God Save The Queen.”

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a potato peeler. And, a permit will be required if you wish to carry a potato peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are useless; and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric (with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables). Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US per gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup (you know it as ketchup), but with malt vinegar.

11. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on Earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood now also will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1 percent of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen. (Only He can.)

John Cleese

5 comments:

Jan said...

Does this mean they will draw and quarter Dubya, impale Cheney and bring out the guillotines for the rest of their cohorts? If so, then indeed, God save the Queen!

Frodo Fudgeus said...

Frodo can attest to the validity of this worthy document. He might add that it is the best thing any limey has produced since 1215. Now noted as poodles, and other canine butt-sniffers, for their devotion to our national fireplug, the British deserve mockery and derision. Frodo suggests that the Monty Python crew should assemble all the masculinity of the British Isles (that should encompass about six or seven attendees), and lead them in the song "I'm a Lumberjack, and I'm OK."

Please note that Frodo was still awake at 1:00 AM searching for Form 1116, to accompany Form 1040 (that should explain, in this instance, why he makes no sense whatsoever).

athena said...

BJ,

oooohhh this really irks me. John Cleese IS a funny man but he has a lot of nerve pulling a "superiority" mocking stance toward the US when his pathetic, little, dreary country is one of the last nations in the WORLD to still grovel at the feet of a sour puss of an old Queen who looks like a librarian. Those poor beaten down Brits hand over their taxes so that Queen Elizabeth can move around from luxurious castle to castle waving her hand with contempt at her subjects.

As far as American language goes, the nerdy, unsexy English have driven the word "Bloody" into the ground. How long have they said that curse word every other word? 500 years at least? I am certainly over it. Another delightful part of their culture is that Englishmen are so chauvanistic that they regularly use the "C" word in mixed company. I was astounded at their rudeness. And another thing, sure they can be amusing but their humor is always on the attack, at the listener's expense. Come up with a new form of humor! I lived in that miserable country (island) for almost four years and I can tell you they are a mostly mean, depressed lot of people. Perhaps a little therapy would cheer them up.

By the way did you see Bush get booed at the opening baseball game when he threw the first pitch? I think he got the message, Americans despise him. He and Queen Elizabeth are making truck loads of cash with their mutual holdings in big oil. But at least with the US political system we are getting RID of Bush. The English are resignedly stuck with the Queen and someday her dolt of a son.

I need not even address the topic of English food. It is so appalling that it leaves their people with pasty, unhealthy looking skin. I will take Italian and French food any day. So dear John Cleese, America is far from perfect but England is no paradise, peopled with happy Adonises and supermodels.

I hear the Brazilian economy is booming. Meet you there for a tropical drink in a country that really know how to have fun Mr. Cleese!


Thank you for your great blog BJ!

Athena

Eowyn said...

Oh, Merry, that was so so good a find! I love it, I agree, and I think there's nothing I can add to show how much I enjoyed it!

I do have to add, in terms of Athena's comment, that Julia Child said the British kill their meat twice: Once when they kill it, then when they cook it.

Thank you for that find. I needed that. He's got all the good points, like in his comedy. We just haven't said it.

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