Crucio, you spoilers!

What’s a muggle blogger to do?

I’ve got problems. It’s hard to type with one finger on the remote “mute” button. It’s hard to blog when I cannot watch the news or read news sites or blogs.

You see, I am a Harry Potter devotee. There’s a spot on my bookcases waiting for book seven, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” to arrive. So, why would a person unable to read books order a book? To keep the other six company.

I read the first three books, “The Sorcerer’s Stone,” “The Chamber of Secrets” and “The Prisoner of Azkaban.” I listened to the next three on books for the visually impaired, “The Goblet of Fire,” “The Order of the Phoenix” and “The Half-Blood Prince.”

I have the first three movies on videotape, the fourth on DVD, and have watched them all, wonderfully described, on “movies for the blind,” compliments of the State Library.

What’s a devotee to do when she must wait for months on a “talking book” of the final installment of J. K. Rowling’s magical epic - all the while avoiding plot revelations?

My friend Shari offered to call long distance and read the book to me. Now, that’s a friend!

At midnight, the book goes on sale. Amazon.com has promised mine tomorrow. Yet, even now, because of leaked copies, every media outlet is trying to spoil things for me – and about a kajillion other fans.

Short of moving to a small Pacific island, how am I going to avoid hearing “The Deathly Hallows” ending, the characters who die, and Harry’s destiny?

There’s never a port key around when you need one!

The media nitwits who want to ruin this experience – this rite of passage which has lasted several years – could at least announce that a spoiler is coming.

Since Wednesday night, I’ve almost been broadsided with what might have been story details, but I’m quick on the draw with the remote.

We’re talking “dead serious” here! (No pun intended on the loss of a favorite character in the fifth book.)

Who would want to watch “Citizen Kane” knowing what “Rosebud” is? Who would want to know the secret of “The Crying Game”?

So, I’m beginning a self-imposed “news blackout” today – until the hype dies down.

Maybe faithful readers could email me if something really, really big happens, say Cheney is impeached and Bush resigns.

* “Crucio” - The Cruciatus Curse inflicts severe physical pain. One of the three Unforgivable Curses. The use of this spell against another human being is punishable by a life sentence in Azkaban.